Your Gateway to Ease and Freedom

Hi this is Eva of Wild Authentic Xplore. I’m here to share the concepts, skills, and strategies of an Active Authenticity, to get into the weeds with you and drill down on these skills so you have what you need to thrive in life, AND in an increasingly complex world—while staying true to who you are.

Today I want to talk about a key concept in our ability to protect who we are. It’s a tiny powerhouse of a concept, but it really underlies not only your capacity to protect yourself, but it plays a leading role in your ability to sustain your happiness, and ultimately, your freedom.

And the tiny powerhouse? It’s your ability to say No. And not just to say it, but to mean it. And not only mean No when you say it, but to hold to your No. In other words, to deliver a No that’s a real No—unlike the all-too-common experience of saying No and then slowly dismembering it with this and that concession.

I'm talking about a No that really is a No—through and through. What we call a definitive No on the path of Active Authenticity.

I get that I’m digging into the point a bit, but I’m doing it because so many of us become wishy-washy when it’s time to deliver a definitive No. We may get the concept of No, but it lingers on as a mental construct more than a lived experience. Which can be a big problem if we hope to thrive in the lived experience we call life.

If you struggle to deliver a definitive No, just know that you can change your relationship to saying No. And a good way to start is by having a direct experience of what a definitive No feels like. In other words, the No you’re trying to deliver.

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Ok. Now I’m going to make a suggestion here which might seem a bit strange, but stick with me for a minute. And you might want to try this in private, and of course go gently with it, but try walking into the nearest wall. Seriously. At some point get up and walk into the nearest wall to experience what it’s like to come up against an immovable object.

Or another option, just lean against the wall with some degree of force and experience what happens.

Notice what pressing against the wall—here representing a definitive No—feels like. Tune in to your body. What does your mind say about the felt experience of saying No, and does the experience bring up any emotions related to your current capacity to say No, or your past experiences of saying No? Just notice your mind/body/emotional experience of leaning into the wall.

And now that you have this rather direct experience of a definitive No, it’s solidity, what do you notice about your efforts at delivering definitive Nos? Do they feel as solid as the wall?

Depending on the state of your overall boundaries, the definitive No may feel uncomfortable to deliver. But take note. This is not a function of your No. The definitive No is actually a neutral boundary maneuver. It’s what we bring to our No that makes it feel the way it does.

If your No is shaky and feels awkward to deliver, you may want to strengthen your capacity to say No definitively. And as you begin, consider practicing in a low-key way. In a way that’s entirely safe. Because there really are those people that can’t tolerate hearing No and indulge in a myriad of negative responses to keep you from saying No. So, as you begin, find the safest person you can find with whom to practice your Nos. The person who easily and regularly respects your boundaries, and the boundaries of others. Meaning, they actually welcome hearing what’s true for you, even if what’s true for you is a No to them.

You can even let this person in on the secret that you’re practicing on them, which would make them not only a guinea pig, but an ally. And then start practicing your Nos.

For instance, is it hard for you to change plans once you’ve already committed to them? How about inviting your ally to dinner, and then at the point where you would be nervous to change your mind about dinner, change your mind about dinner (and not so last minute that they’re grossly inconvenienced—after all, you do want to keep this person as an ally.)

Or do you habitually agree to things you know you should not. How about saying No at the outset, without excuse or offering alternatives. Just a plain No. Can you do it, and what does it feel like?

The point is not to change how you feel as you deliver your No, but just to notice how you feel. These feelings will change naturally with time, and as you continue to practice safely. As you grow more comfortable with saying No, can you try to take the tiniest bit more risk in saying No? And what would that small risk be? Gradually increasing your ability to deliver a definitive No in this way is the safest way to build your definitive No “chops” over time.

For those of us who may have a relatively solid handle on delivering a definitive No, try this: try focusing on the definitive Nos you deliver in the course of your day. Notice those situations where you’re more inclined to “go soft” with your definitive No, in effect making your No no longer definitive. What causes you to yield? Is it anxiety, overwhelm, impatience—love? Does it relate to certain individuals, or situations, or when the stakes are super high, or in turn, not high enough?

While this might be important information to take with you into other types of healing work, this information will also be useful as we progress from making definitive Nos, to maneuvering around your definitive No with the flexible No. But for now, gathering data on what causes you to shy away from your definitive No is very useful information to have. Study your definitive No in action to discover what’s behind your reticence, and then, in an incremental and again, safe way, try to stretch your capacity to say No in those areas where you find yourself challenged.

The more you get acquainted with your definitive No – and your mind/body/emotional response to your No AND the issues that fuel them—not only will you come to understand your No as the impartial defender it is, you will also uncover the various obstacles to saying your No, and in the end, the obstacles that lie in the way of your ease and freedom.

So, we begin our journey today by talking about the little powerhouse called No. It’s simple, but its application is anything but simple. So, to answer your questions—and engage with your comments and experiences—I’ve newly turned on the comment thread for posts. Feel free to download your thoughts. How you approach this material gives me ideas on how best to support you moving forward, so I welcome your engagement.

And of course, so hopeful for both you and the world that we’re on the journey of Active Authenticity together.