Your Gateway to Ease and Freedom
Today I want to talk about a key concept in our ability to protect who we are. It’s a tiny powerhouse of a concept, but it really underlies your capacity to protect yourself and plays a leading role in your happiness, and ultimately, your freedom.
And the tiny powerhouse? It’s your ability to say No.
And not just to say it, but to mean it.
And not only to mean No when you say it, but to hold to your No.
In other words, to deliver a No that’s a real No—unlike the all-too-common experience of saying No and then slowly backing away from it with this and that concession.
I'm talking about a No that really is a No—through and through. What we call a definitive No on the path of active authenticity.
I get that I’m digging into the point a bit, but I’m doing it because so many of us become wishy-washy when it’s time to deliver a definitive No.
We may get the concept of No, but it lingers on as a mental construct more than a lived experience. Which can be a big problem if we hope to thrive in the lived experience we call life.
If you struggle to deliver a definitive No, just know that you can change your relationship to saying No. And a good way to start is by having a direct experience of what a definitive No feels like. In other words, the No you’re trying to deliver.
Ok. Now I’m going to make a suggestion here which might seem a bit strange, but stick with me for a minute. And you might want to try this in private, and of course go gently with it, but try walking into the nearest wall.
Seriously. At some point get up and walk into the nearest wall to experience what it’s like to come up against an immovable object.
Or another option, just lean against the wall with some degree of force and experience what happens.
Notice what pressing against the wall—here representing a definitive No—feels like.
Tune in to your body.
What does your mind say about the felt experience of saying No?
And does the experience bring up any emotions related to your current capacity to say No, or your past experiences of saying No?
Just notice your mind/body/emotional experience of leaning into the wall.
And now that you have this rather direct experience of a definitive No, it’s solidity, what do you notice about your efforts at delivering definitive Nos? Do they feel as solid as the wall?
Depending on the state of your overall boundaries, the definitive No may feel uncomfortable to deliver. But take note. This is not a function of your No.
The definitive No is actually a neutral boundary maneuver. It’s what we bring to our No that makes it feel the way it does.
If your No is shaky and feels awkward to deliver, you may want to strengthen your capacity to say No definitively.
And as you begin, consider practicing in a low-key way. In a way that’s entirely safe. Because there really are those people that can’t tolerate hearing No and will indulge in a host of negative responses to keep you from saying No.
So, as you begin, find the safest person you can find with whom to practice your Nos.
The person who easily and regularly respects your boundaries, and the boundaries of others. Meaning, they actually welcome hearing what’s true for you, even if what’s true for you is a No to them.
You can let this person in on the secret that you’re practicing on them, if you choose, which would make them not only a guinea pig, but an ally. And then start practicing your Nos on them. Here’s are two examples of what I’d consider leaning into practice.
Let’s say you discover that it’s hard for you to change plans with your ally once you’ve already committed to them.
If changing plans is hard for you, stretch your capacity by inviting your ally to dinner, and then at the point-in-time where you become nervous to change your mind about dinner, change your mind about dinner (and not so last minute that they’re grossly inconvenienced—after all, you do want to keep this person as an ally.) Did you survive, and how did they respond?
Or do you habitually agree to things you know you should not?
How about saying No at the outset, without excuse or offering alternatives. Just a plain No. Can you do it, and what does it feel like? And what’s the real, not imagined, consequence of saying No?
The point is not to change how you feel as you deliver your No, but to notice how you feel.
These feelings will change naturally with time, and as you continue to practice safely.
As you grow more comfortable with saying No, can you try to take the tiniest bit more risk in saying No? And what would that small risk be?
Gradually increasing your ability to deliver a definitive No in this way is the safest way to build your definitive No “chops” over time.
For those of us who may have a relatively solid handle on delivering a definitive No, try this: try focusing on the definitive Nos you deliver in the course of your day.
Notice those situations where you’re more inclined to “go soft” with your definitive No, in effect making your No no longer definitive.
What causes you to yield? Is it anxiety, overwhelm, impatience—love?
Does it relate to certain individuals, or situations, or when the stakes are super high, or in turn, not high enough?
This additional information will be useful as we progress from making definitive Nos, to maneuvering around your definitive No with the flexible No.
But for now, gathering data on what causes you to shy away from your definitive No is very useful information to have.
Study your definitive No in action to discover what’s behind your reticence, and then, in an incremental and again, safe way, try to stretch your capacity to say No.
Even in areas where you find yourself challenged.
As you work with your No you will you come to understand that your No is an impartial defender it. Working with your No will also uncover why you hesitate to say No, and thus shed light on the obstacles in the way of your ease and freedom.
Explore Zone 3: Protecting Who You Are posts below.
